"I Wear Black on the Outside 'Cause Black Is How I Feeeeel on the Inside"

In the comics, Peter Parker was a put-upon nerd with some standard teen angst and the whole "my uncle's dead" thing. To this day, he is also known as something of a jokester; he's a lovable smartass. In the movies, Peter Parker was a put-upon nerd with some standard teen angst and the whole "my uncle's dead" thing...until now. Now, Peter Parker is considering getting an emo band together. He wears black. He wears eyeliner. He cries... a lot. So, for that matter, does everyone else in Spider-Man 3. Even the villains cry. Really. All three of them cry at least once. In fact, I think someone told Sam Raimi that he was directing the most expensive Connor Oberst video of all time. I almost cried, too... when I thought about the $12 I would never see again.

Spider-Man 3 is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Like, worse than The Hulk, Fantastic Four, and X-Men: The Last Stand combined. When Richard Roeper called it "pure camp," it was an insult to pure camp. Kirsten Dunst sings... three times! Tobey Maguire has two dance sequences (one of which is basically a shot-for-shot redo of the "jazz flute" scene in Anchorman, without the flute)! The entire audience--children included--groaned when they were supposed to laugh and laughed (hard) when they were supposed to "feel." Simply put, I want two-and-a-half hours of my life back, I want Kirsten Dunst to become a Jehova's Witness and give up "acting," I want Tobey Maguire's double chin to swallow his face, and I want Snow Patrol to stop making music.

Anyway, here's the important stuff: the Sandman effects were really cool, Topher Grace wasn't that bad, someone gets half their face melted off and it's hilarious, and there's lots of good/bad duality that's conveyed through the oh-so-subtle employment of black clothing. (Presumably, having characters repeatedly grow and shave off evil goatees was ruled out because it would have made the film seem even longer, which is hard to imagine. However, they did flirt with the "Evil Superman" five o'clock shadow.). Also, the film broke every box office record in creation.

By the way, Stan Lee was on 60 Minutes. Just watch that instead.